Home - Quotes

Hard times create strong people, strong people create good times, good times create weak people, weak people create hard times.

Destiny has two ways of crushing us; by refusing our wishes and by fulfilling them. -Henri F Amiel (Revenge S2-E01)

Some people are like slinkies. They aren't particularly useful but it's fun to watch them tumbling down the stairs

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible make violent revolution inevitable. - John Kennedy

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Fools take a knife and stab people in the back. The wise take a knife, cut the cord and free themselves from the fools.

Always remember, money is not everything in life, but make sure you earn enough before you think of such nonsense...

War is the continuation of politics by other means, Politics is the continuation of economics by other means -Carl von Clausewitz

The best way to learn how to fly is to throw yourself at the ground ... and miss. -Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

You don't need to drive me crazy, I'm close enough to walk

Sort of person 200 years ago who would have died at 30 leading a cavalry charge into a volcano.

Where there is a will, I want to be in it

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public

War does not determine who's right, only who's left

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Only dead fish swim with the stream.

The early bird might get the worm, but it's the second mouse gets the cheese.

My anger management classes are starting to really piss me off !

I went to bed wondering where the sun had gone, then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down.

When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -Hunter S. Thompson

The only problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

We came, we saw, we did some shopping.

Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

It is the inalienable right of every Englishman to pronounce foreign words exactly as he pleases. -Winston Churchill

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. -Winston Churchill

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. -Winston Churchill

If you’re not pissing someone off, you probably aren’t doing anything important

I don't need an entourage, I'm a schizophrenic, I am my own entourage !

Lazy is such a strong word, I prefer selective participation.

Don't get mad, get odd

Do not eat anything bigger than your head

Deja moo: The feeling that I've have heard this bullshit before

Deja poo: The feeling I've stepped in this before.

Deja phew: The feeling I've smelled this before.

Deja goo: The feeling I've seen this slime before
Deja goo: The feeling I've been slimed by this ghost before

Deja glue: The feeling I've been stuck here before

Deja who: The feeling I've seen this Time Lord before

My dyslexic boyfriend had a sex manual. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.
My friend's dyslexic boyfriend had a sex manual. She was lying there and he was looking for her vinegar.

Moore's Law of Mad Science: Every eighteen months, the minimum IQ necessary to destroy the world drops by one point.

A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears -Michel de Montaigne

A talk should be like a woman's skirt, short enough to be interesting and long enough to cover the essentials - Churchill

The man who invented predictive text died yesterday. His funfair is next monkey.

If you're happy and you know it - share your meds

If the words you spoke appeared on your skin, would you still be beautiful ?

To conquer without risk is to triumph without glory

Men insult each other and don't mean it, women compliment each other and don't mean it

I over-think, therefore it depends
I over-think, therefore I might be

Compound interest is the 8th wonder of the world. He who understands it, earns it. He who doesn't, pays it. -Albert Einstein.

The higher we climb in life, the more we realise just how hard everyone has worked to achieve anything

Somewhere someone's therapist knows all about you

If it's important to you, you'll find a way, if it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional

Great minds discuss ideas, average ones discuss events, and small minds discuss people. - Eleanor Roosevelt

People inspire you, or they drain you, pick them wisely. - Hans F. Hansen

Askhole - A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.

Procaffeinating - The tendency to not start anything util you've had a cup of coffee.

I need your advice. I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £80, Is that two dear?

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

Dear Santa for Christmas could I please have a big fat bank balance and a nice slim body .. and Santa please get it the right way round this year !

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Well, apparently Rock Bottom has a basement !

There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

It's a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

On Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons.

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so -Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See"

My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines. He's got back issues.

The evil man is the child grown strong.

Unnecessary laws are not good laws, but traps for money.

Those who feel they have been humiliated almost always seek revenge, which is an attempt to replace shame with pride.

Let everyone who advocates war be enrolled in a special regiment of advance-guards, for the front of every storm, of every attack, to lead them all! - Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends!

Don't judge people for the choices they made when you don't know the options they had to choose from.

Remember that guy that gave up ? - neither does anybody else.

---- Short Stories ------------------------------------------------------------

I'm ## years old and I have so many unanswered questions!!! I still haven't found out Who Let The Dogs Out, where's the Beef, How to get to Sesame Street, Why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps, Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, Why eggs are packaged in flimsy Styrofoam or paper cartons, but batteries are secured in plastic that's as tough as nails, Why woman can't put on mascara with their mouth closed, Why "abbreviated " is such a long word, Why lemon juice is made of artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons, Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections, And, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where is the extra penny going to, Why does the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune, Why did you just try to sing those previous songs, And just what is Victoria's secret?, And do you think I am this witty??? I actually got this from a friend who got it from another friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's uncle's cousin's, baby mamma's doctor that lived next door to an old class mate. Now it is your turn to take it from me. Copy and Paste, change the age, and give someone else something to laugh at!
Happy New Year. Let the Merriment Begin!

When I was in the army, we had a female officer in charge of us for a while. On one particular exercise we were learning how to use a turf-winch to pull a large truck out of a ditch. Because of the tension involved, the turf-winch started to pull the earth apart, at which point she said "Oh, the earth is moving", my friend said "Oh did the earth move for you too darling !" we laughed and she slapped him round the face !